


The Return

by crazywalls



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Divergence - 08x07 A Little Slice of Kevin, Confessions, Dean Being an Asshole, Drunk Dean, Drunken Kissing, Emotionally Hurt Dean, Fluff, Groping, Hurt Castiel, Hurt Sam, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Making Out, Making Up, Post-Purgatory, Regret, Sad, Self-Esteem Issues, So much Angst and Hurt I'm sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-03
Updated: 2016-09-23
Packaged: 2018-05-04 15:41:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 15,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5339531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazywalls/pseuds/crazywalls
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Cas returns from purgatory and explains why he stayed behind Dean gets pissed. Really pissed. He doesn't understand how Cas could just leave him, could make him believe it was his fault. But at the same time, he can't stay away from him. And it infuriates him even more. To excuse his behaviour to himself, Dean gets even more drunk than he used to and is only able to confront Cas when he is completely intoxicated which eventually takes a heavy toll on Cas.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Starts with a divergence of 08x07 and continues from there.

Something heavy crashed into the door before blunt nails scratched over the wood in the attempt to get the key into the lock. Finally the knob turned and two bodies stumbled into the room.

Dean pushed Cas up against the wall roughly, kicking the door shut with his foot. “What were you thinkin’?” he growled as he pinned the angel against the wall, his fists clutching the lapels of his filthy trenchcoat. “What the f-fuck were you thinkin’?!”

“I just explained that to you,” Castiel replied. Dean knew him well enough to realise the angel wasn’t as calm and confident as he pretended.

Dean hadn’t believed his eyes when the familiar shape had suddenly appeared right next to his bar stool, had thought he was imagining things again. Had blamed the alcohol he’d turned to as soon he’d been out of purgatory, resurrected Benny and gotten back to civilisation.

Cas had just stood there, staring at him with those stupid blue eyes, a soft “Dean…” escaping his chapped lips.

The hunter had just shaken his head. This wasn’t real. It couldn’t be. He’d subconsciously reached out his hand and flinched when his fingers really hit the fabric of the dirty trenchcoat.

After a few more moments of stunned silence and incredulous stares Castiel had slowly sat down on the stool next to Dean, not taking his eyes off the hunter for a single second.

“What…? How…?”

To his surprise Cas had actually started to speak quietly. He had told him about the moment Dean had disappeared through the portal and how Cas had spent the next few weeks running, hiding and fighting for his life and suddenly he’d looked up and stood on the side of a road somewhere in Illinois.

He had no idea how he’d gotten out.

While Cas had been talking Dean had ordered a whiskey and chugged it, then another and another one, shaking his head now and then.

“Why… why’d I lose ya?” It wasn’t what Dean had wanted to say, not what he meant, but the words had been out before he could stop himself.

Castiel had looked to the ground and swallowed, giving no answer.

“What happened?” Dean had slurred in a whisper. “What the hell happened?!”

And Cas had told him. Had mumbled something about the portal not working for angels and other bullshit Dean couldn’t remember now. He’d just glared at the angel and eventually gritted a “Tell me the truth, god dammit.”

The harshness in his voice had caused the angel to cringe slightly and finally, after what felt like an eternity of just staring at each other, neither willing to give in, he’d muttered a few quiet sentences. Explained how he didn’t deserve to be saved, how he needed to suffer for his mistakes.

Without uttering a single word Dean had thrown a few bills on the bar, grabbed the angel’s arm and hauled him from the stool, out the door and across the street to the shabby motel.

“Do you have any idea, any idea at… at all what you put me through?” the hunter now snarled before clenching his teeth, pulling himself together so he wouldn’t yell at Cas. He wanted to shake him, punch him right in the face but instead he grabbed the blue tie with his right hand to yank his friend closer.

He couldn’t stand the pained expression on Castiel’s face and squeezed his eyes shut for a brief moment, taking a deep breath to calm his nerves and try to focus again.

“I am truly sorry, Dean. I never wanted to hurt you or make you worry.”

Glassy green eyes finally looked up again. “Fuck you, Cas. Fuck you.” Dean hated how his voice broke, tried to swallow the lump in his throat and clenched his teeth again.

“I’m sorry, Dean…” Cas whispered, the plea for forgiveness apparent in his eyes, but they both knew he wouldn’t voice it. It would be yet another one of the unspoken things that would make things even more complicated between them.

The angel’s tie was still wound around Dean’s hand and the hunter pulled him even closer, his breath ghosting over Cas’s face that was less than three inches away from his.

“Fuck you,” he growled again. Before he knew what the hell he was even thinking he closed the distance between them by tugging at the tie again while simultaneously leaning in for a desperate kiss, glad that Cas didn’t have to breathe, otherwise he would have probably strangled him by now – accidentally. Of course.

Sure, he was pissed as hell but he wouldn’t hurt Cas on purpose. Not much anyway. And it wasn’t like… Why was he even thinking about this? He was way too drunk to analyse his actions. And it just felt too good to feel the warmth of Castiel’s body, the scratch of his beard, to just know that he was alive. To know he was back.

Cas was stock-still as Dean kissed him, eyes wide open, trying to comprehend what was happening but he didn’t pull away. When Dean took a small step forward and nearly stumbled over his own feet Cas instinctively took a step back. His back hit the wall again and Dean’s lips immediately found the angel’s ones again. The kiss was sloppy, desperate, full of pent-up emotions, and Cas could taste the alcohol on Dean’s tongue. When the hunter moved to Cas’s neck to press wet kisses to the dirty skin Cas finally spoke, his voice rough and even lower than usually.

“Dean, what are you doing?” He didn’t know how to react, didn’t even move, just let Dean kiss him.

“Shut up, angel…” was the only reply he got before Dean tried to kiss him again, gripping Castiel’s coat tightly to keep himself upright.

Turning his head away only resulted in Dean’s nose bumping against Cas’s cheek.

“You stink,” he muttered and finally let go of Cas’s tie.

“You should get some sleep,” Cas tried to reason and gently grabbed the hunter’s arms before carefully pushing him towards the bed.

“Leave me alone,” Dean slurred and nearly stumbled again as his attempt to break free failed.

“Dean, please. We can talk about it tomorrow if you wish.”

With a snort Dean fell back on the bed, pulling Cas down with him and huffing when the angel nearly crushed him. “As if you’re still gon’ be here…” He glared up at Cas for a moment then pushed him away, scooted up the bed and grunted as he buried his face in the pillow. “I hate you,” he mumbled, his voice nearly muffled to inaudibility.

It was quiet for several minutes while Cas sat on the edge of the bed, if he were human he’d probably thought Dean had fallen asleep but he knew better. “If you really hate me why did you just…?”

“Fuck you.”

“I suppose a conversation with you is not an option right now,” Cas stated. “Do you want me to leave?”

Dean turned, gripped Cas’s wrist and squinted at him. “Don’t you dare.”


	2. Chapter 2

“I really don’t understand you…“ Cas mumbled with a sigh and stayed right where he was, looking into Dean’s eyes.

Dean didn’t reply, instead he sat up and eyed the angel again, still holding on to his wrist. The silence dragged on for what felt like forever until Dean eventually managed a quiet, slurred “How could you do that to me?”

“I…” Castiel didn’t know what to answer, he didn’t know what to say that wouldn’t hurt Dean even more.

“How could you jus’ leave me?” the hunter continued, his voice growing more desperate with every word. “I thought it was my fault, I thought I’d failed you.” He tried to swallow the lump in his throat.

Finally Cas reached his free hand out and gently rested it on Dean’s knee. “You didn’t, and it’s not your fault. It was my decision and-”

“It was a stupid ass decision! You coulda gotten yourself killed down there!” Dean yelled, letting go of Cas’s wrist and shoving him angrily. When Cas only swayed slightly he lunged at him, knocking him over and pinning him to the ground with one of his hands clutching Cas’s shirt. “You’re such an idiot!” He raised a fist, his whole body shaking.

Castiel waited for Dean to punch him. He deserved it, wouldn’t even try to defend himself, a beating served him right. Maybe it would make him feel a little less guilty, a little less terrible.

But the blow never came. “I hate you,” Dean whispered again, not able to hide the quiver in his voice, and shut his eyes. “I fucking hate you.”

Instinctively – and Cas was sure it was his vessel’s instinct, not his own, he was way too scared to fuck things up even more but couldn’t help it – he reached up and pulled Dean against his body, wrapping his arms around the hunter’s broad shoulders. Relieve ran through him when Dean didn’t break free but slumped into Cas as if he were boneless all of a sudden, his face buried in the angel’s neck. All of Dean’s anger had vanished, the only thing left in his body exhaustion.

“I’m so sorry,” Cas repeated and held Dean.

“Shut up.” With those grumbled words Dean freed himself from Castiel’s embrace and got back up onto the bed. “’m gonna sleep, if you ain’t here when I wake up you can go fuck yourself and don’t you dare to ever showing up again.” He snuggled into the blanket and was asleep in an instant before Cas could even say anything.

The angel got up from the ground and just looked at Dean for a while. When he’d let go of Dean in purgatory he had thought he’d never see the hunter again. It was the real punishment, leaving the Winchester forever. Only it wasn’t forever and he still didn’t know how – and why – he’d gotten topside again. Humans would probably have called it fate, destiny, God’s will… But whatever it was, he couldn’t stop thinking that he didn’t deserve to be back. He didn’t deserve any of this.

But he knew he knew he’d be unable to bring himself to leave Dean again. Not if Dean didn’t make him.

After a while he remembered how Dean had told him that watching people in their sleep was creepy but he just couldn’t avert his eyes from the hunter. He still couldn’t believe Dean hadn’t immediately kicked him out. Maybe, just maybe, he’d let him stay. Maybe he wouldn’t tell him to leave in the morning. Maybe Dean could forgive him one day.

***

A throbbing pain was the first thing Dean felt when he woke up hours later. He groaned quietly and turned on his back, the arm over his eyes shielding them from the bright sunlight falling through the window onto the bed.

Something felt wrong, not just the horrible hangover making him want to vomit. He sensed a presence in the room and tried to remember if he’d picked up a chick at the bar the previous night but his mind was blank and since he couldn’t feel anyone on the other side of the bed he dismissed the thought. The only thing he faintly remembered was a weird dream he really didn’t want to think about.

He sat up carefully and squinted until his eyes finally somewhat adjusted to the light.

“Hello Dean.” The soft voice made him jump and his head spun around so fast he got dizzy. This couldn’t be true.

“You’re not real…” he mumbled.

“You don’t remember, do you?”

Dean shook his head, more in disbelief than to negate the question. It wasn’t possible.

Cas had showered and shaved while Dean was asleep and looked at the hunter, shifting from one foot to the other. He was nervous, almost scared of Dean’s reaction. He didn’t want to leave. In the course of the night he’d come to believe that this, him getting back to earth, was somehow meant to be and he wanted to take the chance given to him.

“I… you…” Dean stammered. He remembered his anger, his frustration, the grief – and the kiss. Oh god. “I’m gonna be sick,” he gritted, got up, stumbled into the bathroom and slammed the door shut then sank to his knees in front of the toilet and threw up.

The knock on the bathroom door was followed by a “Dean, are you alright?”

Dean ignored him and leaned his forehead against the edge of the toilet bowl, breathing hard. He just wanted Cas to go away, to give him some space and let him think. He needed to think, needed to remember everything that had happened but the terrible headache didn’t allow him to concentrate and at the same time he dreaded the memories.

“Dean, let me help you, please. Can I come in?”

A soft groan was the only indicator of Dean’s agreement. Cas opened the door, stepped inside and hesitated a moment before resting his hand on Dean’s shoulder. Dean tensed up slightly but didn’t react otherwise.

“Look at me, please. I can make it better.”

Eventually Dean turned his head and blinked up at Cas, his hands still clutching the toilet bowl. He didn’t want to be able to think clearly, it would mean him having to face the events of the previous night and he knew that was pretty much the last thing he wanted to do right now but before he could object Cas gently touched Dean’s forehead and the dizziness, terrible headache and feeling of sickness vanished instantly.

Cas was afraid to ask what Dean remembered, he just couldn’t estimate how Dean would react so he pulled his hand away and stood frozen in place, staring down into the green of the hunter’s eyes. They had been the most colourful, most beautiful thing he’d seen in purgatory, maybe even in his entire existence, and the angel knew he’d never forget them for the rest of his life.

Dean was staring at the wall behind Castiel, keeping quiet as well, and finally got up to brush his teeth, completely ignoring Cas. He couldn’t look into his eyes, couldn’t shake off the humiliation. He’d completely lost control, acted on his feelings, his desire, and not the admittedly few rational thoughts at that time and ended up kissing the angel – and he had no idea how to deal with that.

When he was done he walked past Cas and crawled back into the bed. He didn’t even want to deal with everything now, wanted to forget again.

“Dean…” Cas mumbled, looking at the hunter’s form under the blanket from the bathroom door.

“Leave me alone.”

“But…”

“Go away!”

“Why won’t you-“

“Fuck off, Cas!” Dean growled and turned to glare at him. He just couldn’t deal with any of this when Cas was around and he definitely didn’t want to talk to him at the moment.

Gritting his teeth Cas gave a short, defeated nod. His worst fear had become reality. Dean really hated him, his earlier words hadn’t just been drunk talk. Without a goodbye the angel disappeared.


	3. Chapter 3

“Dean, seriously, what the hell is wrong? You’re acting all weird, talk to me!” Sam’s frustration had grown over the past nine days. From one day to the next Dean had just shut him out completely, had ignored him most of the time and barely said a word and the younger Winchester had no fucking clue what had happened.

“Leave me alone,” Dean growled, directing a glare at his brother over his shoulder.

“No. I’ve been leaving you alone for the past couple days and I’m sick of it. What the fuck happened? You’re even worse than after you got back from purgatory and C-“

“Don’t say it.” The warning was merely a low snarl but Sam could see the tension in Dean’s back and shoulders, he was barely pulling himself together.

“Say what?! Purgatory? Or Cas?”

“Just shut up and leave me alone!”

With two long strides Sam was standing next to Dean’s bed, grabbing his shoulder and pushing him back down on the mattress before he could get up and run away like he’d already done several times since he was back.

With determination, Sam growled “You’re staying, and you’re going to talk to me.”

“The hell I am.” Dean tried to pull Sam’s hand off his shoulder but his brother’s grip was firm and relentless. Instead of giving in and letting Dean leave yet again Sam shoved him down onto the bed, pinning his shoulders down with his hands.

“So what is it? The nightmares? The… alliance with a vampire or whatever you wanna call it? No?” He glared down at his brother who was squirming, trying to get him off of him but Sam wouldn’t have it. His voice grew a little softer as he continued, “”Listen, I’m sure it wasn’t your fault. You did everything to get Cas out and I understand tha-“

“You don’t understand shit!” Dean yelled and finally pushed Sam off, jumping to his feet and hurrying to the door to leave before Sam could pin him again.

Sam whirled around. “Dean, if you walk out of this fucking door I swear you don’t need to come back for the next couple days!”

“Fine!” With a loud smack the door slammed shut and the younger Winchester was alone yet again.

If only there was a way to figure out what was wrong, a way to help his brother… He slumped down on the bed and buried his face in his hands, desperately wishing for someone he could talk to. Or at least for Dean to stop being a jerk and finally tell him what was wrong.

***

“Hey, brother. Not doin’ well, are ya?” A huge hand landed on Dean’s shoulder.

The hunter just grumbled something unintelligible and signalled the bartender to bring a couple more shots. With a quiet sigh Benny sat down next to him and turned on his stool to face Dean who had chugged his next shot in the meantime.

“Wouldn’t have called you otherwise,” he eventually grumbled.

Benny shook his head, a faint smirk on his face. “Good ta know. So, ya wanna talk or jus' get drunk?”

Instead of answering Dean raised yet another shot glass to Benny and emptied it.

“Why’d I even ask…” the vampire mumbled and followed suit. Sooner or later the hunter would probably start talking. And if not Benny was fine with it too.

“So what’ve you been up to?” Dean eventually asked to break the awkward silence that made him feel even more uncomfortable and glanced at Benny only to look away again immediately, the blue of his eyes too piercing, as if the vampire was looking right into his soul. “You been staying clean?”

“Sure have. I ain’t goin' back down there anytime soon.” He shook his head, remembering their shared time in purgatory. What the hell was nagging Dean this much? Even in monster hell he’d never seen the Winchester this upset. “Don’ worry, I’m keepin’ away from trouble.”

***

“He’s back,” Dean slurred a few hours later, barely holding himself upright on the bar stool.

Raising a brow Benny asked, “What? Who’s back?”

“Cas. Cas’s back.”

“Yer angel?!”

With a scowl Dean corrected the vampire. “He’s n… not my angel.”

“Alright, then what’s the big deal?” The alcohol barely affected Benny and when he noticed Dean leaning forward too fast he instinctively reached out and grabbed his arm to prevent him from falling to the floor. “Easy… Seems ta hit ya mighty hard, brother.”

“It d-does not,” Dean protested and yanked his arm back, glaring at his companion.

Benny just raised a brow and said nothing, waiting for Dean to continue.

“It’s just that he thinks he can just fuckin’ show up outta nowhere and be like ‘Hey, look, I’m back an’ by the way I stayed behind on purpose’ an’ shit like that,” Dean grumbled and turned back to his glass of whiskey, staring into the golden liquid.

“He what? Why’d he do that?”

With a snort Dean shook his head. “Dunno, said somethin’ ‘bout deserving to suffer or some shit.”

For a long time none of them said anything, Dean lost in thought and Benny watching him. Of course he’d noticed the change in Dean’s breathing, his heartbeat speeding up. He wasn’t just upset, he was mad as hell.

“Watcha lookin’ at?” Dean finally snapped.

Benny shrugged and took a sip before asking, “What’d ya do when he told ya?”

When Dean’s heart skipped a beat Benny knew the hunter wasn’t telling the truth – or at least not the whole truth – as he mumbled, “Told him to leave me alone, to fuck off.”

“And…?” Benny pressed Dean on.

“An’ what?”

“You tell me, chief.”

“And nothin’.”

“Ya know I can hear yer heartbeat, right? There’s somethin’ you ain’t tellin’ me.”

“Stop spying on my heartbeat! Fuckin’ vampire…” Dean grumbled and thankfully chugged the next shot the bartender had just set down in front of him.

“Y’know, alcohol ain’t gonna solve this. An' I think you’ve had enough.” Benny shook his head when the bartender brought another glass of whiskey for Dean, snatched it away before the hunter could take it and drank it.

Glaring at him, Dean slurred a “An’ I think you’re not my mother so shut the hell up. That was my drink.”

Rolling his eyes Benny pulled Dean up from his stool and wrapped an arm around his waist to prevent him from stumbling to the floor. “We’re leavin'.”

Dean struggled to get out of Benny’s grip but it was pointless, he was way too drunk. Again. “Let go of me, you ain’t the boss of me!”

Benny ignored Dean’s attempts to free himself, his angry grumbles and slurred threats and hauled him out of the bar into the cold dark night. When Dean just wouldn’t stop squirming and rammed his elbow in Benny’s stomach the vampire had enough, he dragged him into a small side road and pushed him against a brick wall, knowing Dean wasn’t able to stand on his feet without some kind of support anymore.

“Now ya listen ta me, brother. Yer even more obnoxious than usual and clearly somethin’s up. I don’t know what exactly’s goin’ on with you an' the angel but ya gotta figure this out because yer annoying me.”

Dean just gaped at him for a few moments. “You suck,” he eventually grumbled and tried to stumble towards the main road again but Benny caught his wrist with a smirk.

“Not anymore, ya know that. When yer sober again yer gonna talk to him.”

“Oh really? Says who? You? And why should I wait till I’m sober? I can do this right now, tell him to fuck off again an’ that he’s a bastard,” Dean retorted.

This kind of reaction was exactly what Benny had expected. Hiding his triumphant smirk he challenged, “Then do it.”

Dean glared up at him for a couple of seconds, then turned away and staggered towards the street again. “Fuck this, I’m out,” he muttered as he supported himself on the wall to his right. To his surprise Benny didn’t stop him this time.

He didn’t get far nonetheless.

A rough voice uttering his name made him freeze in place.

This couldn’t… Benny wouldn’t…

Taking a deep breath Dean turned around, nearly convinced his mind was playing tricks on him again but when he couldn’t see Benny anywhere anymore and instead laid eyes on the person in front of him he knew it was real.

“Cas…” he whispered, cheeks flushing when he realised how close the angel was, remembering how he had felt pressed against his body.

“Hello, Dean,” Castiel repeated quietly. He looked uncertain. And tired, Dean noticed. Strange.

“What’re you doin’ here?” Dean tried to sound gruff but failed miserably.

“Your… friend prayed to me,” Cas replied and stared right back into Dean’s eyes, something dangerous in his expression that Dean couldn’t quite put his finger on.

“Yeah, well, he can get lost, an’ you…” The hunter just couldn’t get it out so he looked away before clenching his fists and burying them in the pockets of his jeans.

“Dean, I’m really sorry,” Cas said quietly and suddenly a hand lay on Dean’s cheek, gently forcing him to return the angel’s look. “I mean it.”

In the next moment Dean felt warm lips pressing against his and for a second he didn’t know how to react; his mind was racing and a tiny voice in the back of his head was yelling at him to kiss back, to enjoy it like he’d done last time, but his instinct to shove Cas away won – sort of. He grabbed Cas’s shirt and pushed him away a few inches so he could stare into those familiar eyes that looked at him pleadingly.

“Why’re you doin’ this?” Dean asked, confused and clueless what to think or feel.

“I…” Cas started but trailed off, resting his forehead against Dean’s and continuing to look into his eyes.

“Screw this.” Dean just couldn’t stand it anymore, the tension, the anger, the need– Nine freakishly long days were definitely enough. He jerked Cas closer so their bodies were pressing together and kissed the angel – hard, rough and desperate. “Don’t you ever dare doin’ anythin’ like that again. Ever,” he finally growled when he broke the kiss to gasp for breath.

Castiel nodded and gently stroked Dean’s cheek with his thumb. “I swear,” he whispered before leaning in for another kiss.

Maybe they could get over this one day. But for now Cas would just take what Dean was willing to give, even if it was just this – drunken kisses in dark alleys or rundown motels.

Only time could tell how things would go from here.


	4. Chapter 4

Castiel was exhausted. The situation with Dean, the ‘thing’ they had, was draining his life, quite literally. He’d never thought it was possible for an angel to feel these things but it was like he was slowly, painfully dying, like his very being was fading away.

It had become a seemingly endless game between them – they wouldn’t talk for days, weeks even, until Dean would slur his name, whisper a prayer, beg for him to come back. And Cas would oblige, wouldn’t even hesitate. He took whatever Dean was willing to give him, the few hours, sometimes merely a couple of minutes, hardly enough to satisfy him, but he was addicted, and the hunter’s closeness, his affection, was his drug.

In the intervening time, when Dean wouldn’t tolerate him anywhere near because he didn’t want to talk about any of it, Cas was still trying to figure out who or what had gotten him out of purgatory, so far to no avail. It was a mystery and no one, neither angel nor monster, had been able to help him solve it.

He didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t return to heaven, couldn’t stay with Dean, and the time alone made him constantly think about all he’d done, all the misery and pain he’d caused. Maybe this was his true punishment – someone or something getting him out of purgatory, hauling him topside, away from all the things that wanted to kill him, to get a piece of angel in this godforsaken place, only to let him suffer torments back on earth. Torments worse than anything any monster could ever have brought on him.

Cas flinched when he heard – or rather sensed – the familiar voice uttering his name. It was a fleeting thought, only there for a moment, but for an instant he didn’t want to go, wanted to just ignore the hunter. He knew this game all too well by now: Dean would push him up against a wall, grab his tie to pull him in or clutch the lapels of his trenchcoat like a drowning man and kiss him feverishly, make him feel wanted, needed, maybe even loved for a few glorious minutes.

But deep down Cas knew it wouldn’t last, it wasn’t true. He still hadn’t figured out why Dean was doing this, couldn’t understand why he would push him away as unexpectedly as he called him or yell at him in the morning to leave when he woke up, hung over and mad for reasons Cas had yet to comprehend.

He knew he couldn’t fool himself and he had no idea how much longer he would endure this torture.

Nonetheless he complied Dean’s request and appeared right in front of the hunter, not blinking an eye when Dean immediately manhandled him into one of the stalls of a bar’s toilet and pinned him against the thin wall, lips pressing against Cas’s in a rough kiss. The heavy taste of alcohol on his tongue didn’t surprise the angel in the slightest.

Cas groaned quietly, his arms unconsciously wrapping around Dean’s waist as the hunter nipped on his bottom lip and pulled Cas’s shirt from his dress pants to slide his hands underneath and roam them over his skin.

Even though he wanted to cherish these precious moments Castiel couldn’t help but wish Dean would be gentle and tender just once. Yet he never took control, too afraid Dean would push him away again, this time forever, so he let Dean push him around, cling to him and scratch his nails over Cas’s back, leaving marks Cas wouldn’t heal with his powers so he had something to remind him those few occasions weren’t only the result of his imagination.

Dean buried a hand in Cas’s hair and pressed his forehead against the angel’s, panting heavily and closing his eyes. Castiel slowly reached up a hand, hesitating for a moment, then carefully caressed Dean’s cheek with his fingertips.

He had tried to remember when this infatuation, no, this obsession with the hunter had begun, but he couldn’t pinpoint it. Seeing him in hell for the first time, battered, bruised and broken, had surprised him. Dean Winchester indeed was a righteous man, yet what he was doing now was anything but virtuous. Back then, his soul had stood out, and rebuilding his body to put it back in had been one of the most satisfying things Cas had ever experienced.

It might have started there, seeing one of the most magnificent of God’s creations – at least in Castiel’s opinion. Dean wasn’t just beautiful, he was extraordinary in everything he did, in his entire being. And the angel would do anything to spend as much time with him as possible, no matter which toll it would take on him.

“Cas…” Dean whispered and finally really looked at him for the first time this night.

Cas met his eyes, searching for something other than lust in them. “Yes, Dean?”

“L-let’s get outta here.” Without a warning Dean hauled him forward to kiss him sloppily, then took a hold of his wrist and dragged him out of the stall, through the bar and out the back.

“Where are we going?”

“Shh.” Dean staggered over the parking lot and to his car.

“Dean, you can’t drive in this condition.”

Searching for the keys in his pockets, Dean muttered, “Sure I can.” Eventually he found them and opened the driver’s door at the fourth attempt.

This time, Cas grabbed the keys from him, took a gentle hold of the hunter’s shoulders and led him to the passenger side where he made him take a seat.

“Don’t you dare damagin’ my baby,” Dean growled but eventually relaxed in the seat.

“Where are you staying?”

“Down the road, couple minutes from here.” Dean’s blinked at him through half lidded eyes as Cas started the engine and carefully drove onto the street, following Dean’s slurred directions.

The hand suddenly creeping up his thigh startled him but he suppressed a cringe and ignored it as he pulled into the motel’s parking lot.

“Caaas…” Dean whined as Cas continued to ignore his attempts and leaned over to suck on the angel’s neck, leaving a dark hickey.

Cas closed his eyes for a few moments, then finally pulled away and got out of the car, walked around the hood and opened the passenger door to help Dean out. “Which room are you staying in?”

“14. Look so pretty t’night, all angelic ‘n stuff.” Dean chuckled and held on to Cas’s arm for support as he was being led to the right door, grudgingly handing Cas the key when he insisted it was faster this way.

Dean immediately slumped down on the bed when he was inside, patting the space next to him. “C’mere,” he purred and grabbed Castiel’s arm to pull him down.

Sure he’d never seen the hunter this drunk Cas tried to will himself to leave. He knew he shouldn’t be here, knew it didn’t do him any good – and Dean probably not, either. Still, he just couldn’t go, not with Dean looking at him like this, not with him making Cas feel needed, wanted, desired.

Therefore he hesitantly sat down on the edge of the bed, glancing at Dean who clearly wasn’t himself anymore. He’d started to rid himself of his clothes, his leather jacket and plaid shirt already in a heap on the floor.

“Dean, you should go to sleep,” he said softly, looking anywhere but at the hunter.

Every time leaving got harder and Cas had to pull himself together so he wouldn’t reach out and brush his fingers over the stubble on Dean’s cheeks or just wrap his arms around him. He knew he couldn’t do that, though, so he kept his hands to himself and stared at the ground.

Propping himself up on one elbow Dean leaned forward and reached for Cas, impatiently tugging at his sleeve. Eventually the angel complied and moved up the bed, leaning against the headboard with as much distance to Dean as possible. Not that this bothered Dean who immediately scooted closer to kiss Cas again, nearly crawling into his lap in the process.

To Castiel’s surprise the kisses slowly became softer, almost affectionate, and he sighed against Dean’s lips as he gently ran his hands over Dean’s sides and back. 

He huffed out a breath when Dean fell forward, his body now partly covering Cas’s, before he snuggled up against the angel’s chest, his head resting on Cas’s shoulder. Realising Dean was about to fall asleep Cas didn’t say anything so he wouldn’t disturb him and instead pulled the covers over them.

This would surely be one of his favourite memories, even though he knew everything would be different in the morning.


	5. Chapter 5

The terrible headache he woke up with was all too familiar by now. What Dean at first didn’t recognise was what he’d slept on. It was moving slightly, up and down in a steady rhythm, soft under his hands and torso but hard under his head and partly… wrapped around his back?

Blinking tiredly and relieved over the just dim light in the room Dean eventually moved his head to see what the hell he was lying on, supressing a groan when his sore muscles protested and the throbbing in his head only increased. For a moment he thought he was imagining things, maybe still dreaming, one of those nightmares where he’d lose Cas over and over again, seeing him trapped in purgatory all by himself, but the blue eyes staring back into his were in fact real.

“The hell you doin’ here?” Dean growled and tried to roll off the angel but he’d gotten entangled in the covers during the night and squirmed unsuccessfully for several moments until Cas carefully helped him sit up and remove them. Dean instantly fled to the small fitted kitchen to swallow down some painkillers with a gulp of water, then leaned against the counter, arms crossed defensively and glaring at Cas.

“You wanted me to stay last night,” Cas said quietly, knowing what would come next. “I’m leaving.”

The defeat on his face was obvious even to Dean, yet the hunter only snarled a “You better. I don’t need you here.”

With a flutter of invisible wings Castiel vanished, leaving behind an angry and extremely hungover Dean.

The hunter didn’t remember much of the previous night but still wearing most of his clothes at least somewhat calmed him down. He could recall drinking too much in a rundown bar all alone after working yet another small case without Sam who was still mad at him for behaving like an ass and shutting him out; he also remembered calling the angel, kissing him roughly and- He really didn’t want to think about the details.

All of this was just stupid, he’d been lonely, Cas always came when he called and technically he wasn’t even a guy. No reason whatsoever to think about him that way. It was just drunk making out with someone inexperienced who wanted to explore human ways, nothing more. At least that was what Dean had been telling himself for the past couple of months. Deep down he knew it was bullshit, he enjoyed being with Cas this way far more than he told himself he should. Not to mention the few occasions he’d caught himself jerking off in the shower, those incredibly blue eyes in mind and a forbidden name on his lips.

In truth he had a problem.

It wasn’t like he had fallen for the angel, definitely not, he just couldn’t forget the fear knowing Cas was all alone in purgatory, the pain and desperation after losing him at the portal, the way he felt whenever Castiel was near and how his body reacted when…

Okay, maybe he had an awry attraction. Just maybe he liked Cas a little more than he should. That was part of why he always called him when he was drunk: he could blame it on the alcohol, say he hadn’t been thinking clearly, even though he knew after at least eight times the excuse was highly unbelievable. Most of the time he barely remembered half of it, getting more and more drunk with every time. 

It wasn’t like Sam would ask about it, hell, Sam still didn’t even know Cas was back, and Benny wouldn’t ask either, knowing Dean would only get pissed and tell him to fuck off. Just like he snapped at Castiel to fuck off when he couldn’t deal with his feelings anymore, the guilt, embarrassment and confusion constantly nagging him, and his anger at Cas made it even worse.

But why did he show up every time? Why did he never give Dean contra, stand up for himself and tell Dean to stop pushing him around or treat him like crap?

Part of why Dean was so furious every time, why he was so aggressive was that he was all too aware he wasn’t good enough. He’d never be good enough for Cas, even in the highly improbable case of Cas liking him back.

Hell, the guy was an angel and Dean was just… nothing. Expendable. Worthless.

And he knew he wouldn’t be able to handle the rejection.

***

“No, I still don’t wanna talk about it,” Dean grumbled several days later, grabbed his half empty bottle of Jack and headed towards the door.

“So you’re gonna deal with whatever’s going on with you as always? Ignoring and pushing it to the back of your mind until it drives you crazy?” Sam yelled after him as he slammed the door shut.

Yes, that was exactly what he was going to do, and it was already driving him crazy. He rounded the motel and leaned against the wall of the backside, taking a long drink straight from the bottle.

He needed to see Cas but he definitely wasn’t brave enough to call him yet. Or rather, not drunk enough yet. Staring over the treetops of the moonlit forest behind the motel he stood for a while, finishing off the bottle and trying to ignore Sam’s words. Since they were hunting together again he was always on edge, always afraid Sam would realise what was going on and he definitely wasn’t ready to deal with that.

Eventually he felt confident enough to face Cas again, the alcohol starting to numb his doubts.

“Cas, if you hear me, please… I n-” Before he could finish the angel had appeared a few feet away, hands buried in the pockets of his trenchcoat, eyes looking almost pleadingly at Dean as if to beg for... Yeah, for what?

Before Dean could think too much about it he’d crossed the distance between them and cupped the back of Cas’s head, fingers tangling in the dark strands of hair as he pulled Castiel into a needy kiss.

Cas’s moan sent shivers down Dean’s spine and the hunter had to keep telling himself that this meant nothing, that he just wanted someone’s attention and closeness and blow off steam.

Walking backwards Dean pulled Cas with him until his back hit the wall, then he turned them around so Cas was trapped between the wall and Dean’s body. As anticipated, Cas didn’t put up a fight, not even when Dean moved on to his neck and bit the sensitive skin hard enough to leave a bitemark while his hand tugged at Cas’s tie to pull him as close as possible.

Dean’s other hand slid over Castiel’s chest and down to his hip, digging his blunt nails into the soft flesh while he pressed his body against the angel’s vessel, experimentally rolling his hips against Cas’s. A smug grin curled his lips when Cas softly moaned against his shoulder.

Nipping at Cas’s bottom lip Dean traced his hand further down to grope at Cas’s crotch. When Cas gripped Dean’s ass to pull him closer the hunter gave a surprised gasp. This was the first time Cas had rudimentarily tried to control the situation somewhat and Dean didn’t like it.

With a growl he grabbed Cas’s wrists and pinned them to the wall above his head, aware that it was a ridiculous attempt if Cas would decide he’d had enough. Nonetheless Dean went back to kissing him hungrily, one hand sliding back down to palm Cas’s erection. He was getting so lost in kissing and grinding against Castiel that he didn’t notice Cas pulling his hands away from Dean’s light grip until one of them was groping Dean’s dick through his jeans.

Dean instantly jerked away and reflexively punched Cas in the face. He stared at the angel in disbelief and shock; this wasn’t how it was supposed to go off.

“What the hell…?” he slurred, unable to figure out how to react. He was completely overextended. Cas had just groped him and Dean definitely hadn’t been prepared for this, had never expected him to stop submitting himself to Dean’s whims.

“I thought-” Cas started but was cut off by the hunter.

“Yeah, well, you shouldn’t be thinkin’, y’know. The hell?! Just… fuck off, okay? Fuck off!”

The expression on Cas’s face made it even worse, Dean turned around and stumbled away so he wouldn’t have to see the pain in his eyes. When he risked a glance back Castiel was gone.


	6. Chapter 6

“He’s back? Since when?! Why the hell didn’t you tell me?!” Sam nearly yelled, glaring at Dean incredulously.

The older Winchester only shrugged. “Doesn’t matter,” he mumbled and stared at the ground, hands clasping a bottle of beer, fingers tracing absentmindedly over droplets of condensation.

“It doesn’t matter? Are you kidding me? How is he? How did he get out?”

Another shrug. “Don’t know, don’t care.”

Sam didn’t believe him for a second. “Yeah, right. That’s why you’ve been so terrible the whole time! Something happened in purgatory, didn’t it? Why did Cas stay behind?”

“’cause he’s ‘n asshole an’ a fucking idiot, that’s why,” Dean growled. He didn’t want to have this conversation but it was clear that this time Sam definitely wouldn’t let it go. It was an accident, Dean had wanted to keep Cas’s return from Sam until… well, to be honest, he wouldn’t have minded never telling Sam about it because he knew that his brother would make a scene. And yet he had blabbed what he’d kept to himself for months now, his mind unfocused and in a haze from too much alcohol – again. It seemed like Dean was never completely sober anymore these days.

Of course Sam had noticed Dean’s drinking habit getting completely out of hand but he’d blamed it on what must have happened to him in purgatory. Now he knew better and he was determined to find out what the hell was going on between Dean and the angel. And now Dean’s regular disappearances for a few hours and all of the small cases he had looked into over the past couple of months made Sam think there had actually been a reason other than trying to avoid him and hooking up with random girls.

So what had Castiel done to make such a wreck out of Dean?

“Dean?” Sam asked quietly.

His brother didn’t reply.

“What is really… there… between you and Cas?”

The soft pink on Dean’s cheeks was enough to belie his growled “Nothin’”, even though Sam wasn’t sure it was from anger or if Dean was actually blushing.

“Yeah, right. What have two been up to? How many times have you met him?” he probed.

Dean got up, crossed the short distance between them and stared right into Sam’s eyes. “None of your fucking business, Sam, so just let it go!”

“I’m not gonna let it go! You lied to me, you’ve been keeping secrets and believe it or not but Cas is my friend too! So either you start talking or –”

“Or what, huh? What’re you gonna do about it? Tie me up until I talk?” Dean snorted.

Sam looked at his older brother coldly. “I’m just gonna ask Cas.”

The dumbfounded expression on Dean’s face lasted only for a few seconds, then rage took over and he shoved Sam, causing him to stumble a few steps backwards. “Oh no, you won’t! Don’t you fucking dare!”

With a snarl Sam shoved Dean right back, forcing him into a corner. “What are you afraid I’m going to find out, huh? What did Cas do to you? Or did you do something to him? C’mon, Dean, tell me, what is it? What happened between you two?!”

“I told you that’s none of your fucking business!”

From the corner of his eye Sam saw Dean raise his arm but he couldn’t react fast enough and in the next moment something hit the side of his head and shattered at the collision, then he was out cold.

Staring down at him in shock Dean only now realised what he had done, bewilderedly gaping at the remains of the broken bottle on the floor and in his hand, cutting into his skin.

“Sammy?” he choked out a whisper.

What had he been thinking?! He didn’t want any of this to happen and he sure as hell had never wanted to hurt his little brother!

But there Sam was, unconscious because Dean had bashed him over the head with his beer bottle. Dean swallowed. When had his life completely gotten out of control? When had HE completely gotten out of control?!

He needed to leave, now, before anything even worse could happen. Looking around in panic Dean grabbed his wallet, keys and cell phone, then leaned over Sam to check he was still breathing and not bleeding – thank God there were no injuries to be seen – and stumbled out the door, his heart pounding frantically in his chest and his breaths rapid, stinging in his throat every time he inhaled the cold night air.

***

“Cas? Cas, please, if you hear me… I-I need you, please,” Dean begged again, leaned over the hood of his car. His bloody hands were folded and lying on the still warm metal, his forehead rested on them. “Please, I… Sam…”

He bit his tongue, refusing to let the sob building in his throat escape through his lips.

This wasn’t happening, it had to be one of his nightmares from purgatory, he still had to be trapped in monster hell. He’d never hurt his brother, he just wouldn’t do that.

“Cas, I’m begging you, I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry, just please…”

But it was to no avail. No matter how much he prayed, if he pleaded, cursed or threatened, Castiel didn’t show up. For the first time since purgatory, Cas failed to appear.

Dean was all alone.


	7. Chapter 7

A quiet groan escaped Castiel. He weakly lifted his hands in an attempt to cover his ears, willing Dean’s words to stop but they were inside of his head. Why wouldn’t he stop calling him?!

‘WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?’

Cas flinched, praying Dean would stop screaming and cursing him because he wasn’t answering, but of course the hunter didn’t.

“Kill me, please…” he whispered roughly, bloodshot eyes looking up pleadingly.

“Not gonna happen, angel. Not yet at least. Kinda like watching you suffer, whatever’s going on with you.” The shapeshifter grinned and kneeled down in front of Cas. “So, what happened to you? Never seen one of your kind this weak.”

Averting his eyes Cas leaned back against the wall. He just wanted this to end, wanted someone to finish his agony because he wasn’t strong enough to do it himself. Who would have thought that he, Castiel, angel of the Lord, would end like this, in the hands of some crazy, power-hungry shapeshifters, weak and helpless after suffering for weeks, months even?

But he didn’t care that he was dying or that those monsters would continue to hurt him for reasons Cas hadn’t grasped. All he cared about, all he wanted was a quick death and, more importantly, for this voice torturing him by calling him again and again to finally stop forever. He just couldn’t take it anymore.

“Hey, he asked you a question so answer him!”

Cas whimpered softly when a second shifter made a long cut from Cas’s neck down to his chest with his angel blade and he could see the faint blue of his grace – the bit that was left of it – shimmer out of his vessel’s split skin.

“Just kill me,” he begged, his voice nearly inaudible.

***

At some point Dean had fallen asleep in the Impala’s backseat, completely exhausted from his begging and yelling.

He didn’t understand why Cas wouldn’t come. He always came when Dean called, every time, no matter which horrible things Dean had said to make him leave or how often he had pushed him away.

So where was he?

After a while he had nearly fallen into a rage, resentful that Cas was ignoring him. Who did he think he was? And what about that “profound bond” Cas was always talking about?!

It wasn’t like Cas didn’t get anything out of this, Dean had thought. After all he knew for a fact that the angel had liked it. Why else would he be moaning and having a hard-on every time they made out?

Dean had growled in frustration and cursed Castiel. It wasn’t like he missed the guy, hell no, he just liked how Cas did everything Dean wanted – not that they’d ever done more than making out. Nonetheless he caught himself thinking yet again how Cas’s stubble burned against his face when they kissed, caught himself imagining how it would feel like against his chest and stomach and thighs when Cas traced kisses over his body and-

That was fucking inappropriate, Dean scolded himself, and weird as hell. He’d never had a thing for a guy before, and even reminding himself that Cas wasn’t really a guy in the actual sense of the word but rather an ethereal, genderless being didn’t make it much better.

When he woke up he was disoriented for a few moments before everything came crashing back to him. He searched for his phone and risked a glance at the screen. Five calls and two texts from Sam. After a few moments of hesitation Dean opened one of the messages and read it. Sam was mad as hell, not that he could blame him, but otherwise more or less okay. Dean felt horrible. His life was a fucking mess, he’d knocked his brother out and chased away his best friend and he had no idea how to fix any of it.

Crawling out of his car he looked around to figure out where he even was but there was nothing but meadows, fields and a couple of trees. He sighed and tried to decide whether or not he should call Sam. It was probably better if they talked in person – and when he was actually sober for once.

But first he needed to find out what was going on with Cas. This just wasn’t like him at all. Sure, he’d occasionally ignored Sam and Dean’s calls in the past but over the past months he’d always appeared, without exception. And Dean telling him to fuck off the last time they’d seen each other… It wasn’t like Dean really meant it, Cas had to know that. He just didn’t like dealing with Cas the morning after and-

Then the memory hit him.

The groping and his punch.

Dean had forgotten about it, repressed the memory or maybe it was a mental blank that had caused him to completely forget what had happened. Until now.

Leaning back against the side of the car he closed his eyes. What had he been thinking?! No, what had Cas been thinking?! He shook his head slowly. No. This was entirely on him. Taking a deep breath he ran his hands over his face. He had to stop this. He had to stop kidding himself and face the truth.

After he found Cas.

Opening his eyes Dean looked up into the grey sky and started praying, hoping Cas might show up this time. He asked him to come, told him they needed to talk and finally pleaded to at least give him a sign if Cas was listening. Nothing.

Finally Dean gave up. Cas wouldn’t come and there was no one to blame but himself. Instead he thought for several moments before starting to pray again. This time a figure appeared right in front of him a few seconds later.

“Dean Winchester,” was all the boy said.

Dean looked at him, choosing his words carefully. “Can you tell me where Cas is? I can’t find him, he’s not answering.”

Samandriel eyed him without saying a word.

“Please, I need to talk to him.”

“I can’t help you.” The angel shook his head.

“Why?!” Dean clenched his fists, trying to pull himself together.

“He is not allowed in heaven and we are not supposed to talk about him. Especially after he somehow returned from purgatory.”

“Please, Alfie, it’s really important. I have to talk to him.”

“I’m sorry.”

Dean took a step forward and grabbed the angel’s shirt. “I need to know where he is!”

Staring up at Dean Samandriel asked calmly, “What is it you have to discuss?”

“That’s none of your business,” the hunter growled.

“Is it about your intimate relationship with Castiel?” Samadriel deadpanned.

“Wha-? We don’t have… Why would you think…?” Dean gaped at him for a few seconds before he regained control over himself and finally let go of the angel. “I have no idea what you’re talking about and as I said, it’s none of your fucking business. Just tell me where he is!”

“I am an angel, I know what you and Castiel have been doing. I know everything, just like every other angel. And I cannot tell you where he is.”

“It’s not what you think it is…” Dean started but trailed off, not willing to argue with Samandriel. “Please, I need you to tell me where he is.”

“I can’t because I don’t know where he is. He seems to be hiding after you hurt him. Again.” With those words and a flutter of wings the angel was gone, leaving a numb Dean behind.

…after you hurt him again.

The words echoed in Dean’s mind.


	8. Chapter 8

The sharp blade glinted in the fiery glow.

“So, what do you say, you in or out?” Dean growled dangerously, pressing the knife against the witch’s throat hard enough to break the skin and draw a thin line of blood.

The witch cut Dean a look, hatred burning in her eyes, but eventually gave the tiniest nod and the hunter pulled the blade from her throat as he took a step back. “Good. You better hurry before I change my mind.”

Taking a deep breath the witch asked, “You got anything from the guy you’re looking for? Hair, piece of clothing…?”

“Is a photo enough?”

She shrugged. “We can give it a shot.”

Dean dug in his pocket and hesitantly handed her a worn photograph. It was the only picture he had of Cas, Sam and himself, taken sometime before purgatory, and in the previous weeks Dean had fetched it from his pocket again and again when he knew Sam wasn’t looking. This had to work, it just had to. He knew something was wrong, Cas wouldn’t just disappear without a trace, even though Dean had frankly treated him like shit last time. And all the times before, if he was being completely honest. Nonetheless, the angel just wouldn’t do this, of that Dean was sure.

Without another word the witch snagged the photograph and ripped it into three pieces as Dean watched in horror. Then she quickly gathered the right ingredients for the location spell as well as a map and mixed them together before striking a match and burning the piece of the photograph showing Castiel, mumbling words in a language Dean didn’t recognise.

As soon as the fire touched the picture the map started burning, too. Dean let out a slow breath, watching as the flames consumed the paper until only a small piece was left. Leaning forward he picked it up with his left hand, his right gripping the knife more tightly at his side.

The woman’s eyes widened. “No, please, you said you wouldn’t…”

“Changed my mind.” With one big step he was right in front of her and drove the blade into her chest.

***

Dean loved his car, loved to hear her purr when he sped over the highways, the sound of the raindrops on her roof when he fell asleep in the backseat, see the shiny black hood reflect the sunlight when he and Sam took a break and her smell of leather. He loved the time he spent in the driver’s seat, his brother next to him, listening to his favourite tapes, the endless road ahead, the occasional prank wars with Sam and the greasy diner food on the way.

What he hated – but would never admit to anyone, especially not Sam – were the long drives alone, with no one to distract him from dark thoughts. No matter how many burgers he devoured, how often he listened to Zeppelin or how many girls he picked up for a night, it wouldn’t stop him from overthinking anything and everything. 

This time it was even worse. Sam wasn’t there because he, Dean, hadn’t answered his calls after the incident a few nights ago much less gone back to the motel to talk to him, he’d just switched off his mobile phone and driven off to find someone to help him locate Cas. Sam would probably kill him for ignoring him completely and not even giving him the chance to find him, especially after what had happened.

Eventually, though, he felt like he didn’t have any other choice. After all Sam still was the little brother he was supposed to take care of so he should at least let him know he was still alive. He stopped at a roadhouse in the middle of nowhere and switched on his phone to check his voicemail.

‘You have eight new messages.’

‘Tuesday, 9.53 PM.’ “Fuck you, Dean. Don’t even think about coming back.”

Beep.

‘Wednesday, 4.28 PM.’ “Dean, what the fuck? Answer your goddamn phone! Where the hell are you?! And what were you thinking?! Seriously, dude, what the hell is even wrong with you?!”

Beep.

‘Wednesday, 10.41 PM.’ “You know what, screw you. Do whatever you think you need to do, I don’t care. Just don’t come crawling back when something goes wrong, you hear me?!”

Beep.

‘Thursday, 8.09 AM.’ “So you’re still not talking to me? Great! Just great! You know you owe me a fucking explanation and it better be good. Hell, it better be something like a fucking demon made you do this or whatever! And screw you for not picking up!”

Beep.

‘Friday, 2.35 PM.’ “Dammit, Dean, what the hell do you think you’re doing? Where are you? Call me as soon as you get this!”

Beep.

‘Friday, 11.17 PM.’ “Are you going to ignore me forever now? Just… talk to me, okay? Whatever this is, we’ll figure this out, we always have.”

Beep.

‘Sunday, 6.52 AM.’ “I still hate you but I’m getting worried, okay? Call me.”

Beep.

‘Monday, 7.01 PM.’ “Dean, please, just tell me you’re alive and alright, okay?”

Beep.

Dean didn’t even bother reading all of the texts Sam had sent him between the calls, ranging from furious to concerned just like the voice messages he’d just heard. Maybe Sam would be able to forgive him when he got back – not that he ever wanted to have this talk and explain what had gotten into him; Dean didn’t even really know that himself, but Sam was right: He definitely owed his little brother an explanation. Still, he needed to face Cas and have another talk he was anything but looking forward to first.

He quickly typed a message and hit the send button. ‘I’m okay, gotta take care of something.’ No thirty seconds later his phone rang but he declined the call. When he got back behind the wheel a sound indicated a new text.

‘What are you doing? Come back and talk to me!’

Clenching his teeth Dean switched his phone off again and threw it on the passenger seat. It was only a few more hours until he reached the place where Cas was supposed to be, according to the witch’s spell.

Probably about time to think about what he wanted to tell the angel – or at least try to be clear about what this… ‘intimate relationship’, as Samandriel had called it, meant to him. What Cas meant to him. However he still didn’t want to think about it, afraid of what he might have to admit to himself, and delayed doing it yet again.

There was always time later. First he had to find that fricking angel.

If it wasn’t too late.

He really had a terrible feeling about this.


	9. Chapter 9

When Dean reached the small town in the middle of the night he looked for the first diner that was still open and asked around if anyone had seen Cas by any chance. Nothing. Of course. He settled in a booth and started his search. Where the hell could the angel be?

And was he here to hide from everyone or was it against his will?

He’d thought about praying to Samandriel again and ask him for help but that was probably pointless and he didn’t want to involve Sam in this, either. Not before he knew what all of this was. So he was on his own once again which would make it even harder to find Cas.

First the hunter checked the recent news then went back the past two weeks. Nothing interesting or helpful on the local newspapers’ websites, he’d have to check the -

What the hell was that? Dean groaned quietly. A conspiracy website, no, a blog. Really? Still, one of the most recent posts made him click the link to skim the entry. As he read he clenched his teeth. Of course it didn’t mean that Cas was really here and the post didn’t help Dean in any way regarding the angel but there might be a case. A monster. And where there were monsters, angels might not be that far.

Gathering his things he decided the matter was urgent enough to pay the host of this website a visit.

***

“I’m telling you, man, dude looked exactly like my friend but it couldn’t’ve been him, he went backpacking through Europe, like, last week. Even texted him and he swears he’s in Italy or some shit at the moment,” the guy had told him, eyes heavy with sleep when Dean had rung his bell until he’d opened the door at five in the morning.

Now Dean just needed to find those shapeshifters, he had a feeling they could help him find Cas – whether they wanted or not.

He’d parked the Impala in a deserted parking lot afterwards and taken a nap, knowing most businesses wouldn’t open for a few hours, before he’d paid the offices of the local newspaper a visit. The journalists couldn’t tell him much, they’d just heard stories about people acting strange now and then over the past few weeks – in a town like this everyone knew everyone and gossiping was most people’s hobby – but nothing really extraordinary had happened, even though the guy running that conspiracy blog was profoundly convinced.

After going back to the diner, his fourth cup of coffee, checking with the police that no, they hadn’t seen a guy with dark tousled hair and piercing blue eyes and no one had been reported missing and there hadn’t been more criminal activity in the past weeks and why was he even asking those questions, he was fairly certain that if what that guy had seen really was a shifter he was laying low. A search of empty, unused buildings in the area had left him with several possible locations he was going to take a look at.

Dean knew he was grasping at straws but he didn’t know what else to do. This was everything he had, there simply wasn’t another lead and Cas sure as hell hadn’t been hiding in the church – Dean didn’t even know why he’d searched there first.

Trying to concentrate on his task he went back to his car and started canvassing the buildings, praying he would find Castiel soon.

***

Gun drawn, he quietly pushed the door of the rundown barn open. It was one of the last buildings on his list and so far he hadn’t had any luck at all. When he didn’t see or hear anything immediately he sneaked inside, scanning the space for any sign of life but all he could see in the twilight was old, rusty agricultural machines and dirt. Methodically he started searching the whole place, almost regretting he hadn’t brought Sam – but on the other hand he could hunt by himself, too, no need for his brother.

The smallest sound made him spin his head around and he quickly rounded one of the large machines, prepared to fight or shoot any moment. But what he saw made him freeze for a few seconds, stare in disbelief before his instincts finally kicked in and he rushed over to the figure cowering against a wall in the back of the building.

“No, no, Cas, c’mon, please,” he whispered desperately without even realising it as he dropped to his knees next to the angel covered with his own dried blood from several slash wounds which emitted the faintest glow of blue light. “Cas, do you hear me?!” The panic in his voice was unmistakable and he would have hated it if he hadn’t been that scared. He quickly cut Cas lose and tried to check how severe his injuries really were.

“Dean…?” The angel sounded horse and exhausted but thank God he was alive. “Th-this isn’t you…” he mumbled and weakly tried to push his hand away.

“No shifter, it’s me, I swear,” Dean told him, cupping his face with his hands and gently forcing Castiel to look at him.

Clearly Cas wasn’t thinking straight, or the shifter had fucked him up even worse than Dean had thought. “Jus’ kill me, I don’t have… ‘nything you want.”

“Alright, buddy, c’mon, I’ll get you out of here.” Wrapping Cas’s arm around his shoulders and his own arm around the angel’s waist Dean pulled him up as carefully as possible.

“Why’re you doin’ this?” Cas breathed out when Dean slowly headed towards the barn door with him, every step sending more sparks of pain through him, but he was too weak to really resist let alone put up a fight.

“Cas, it’s me, the real me, okay? I’m here to save you. You gotta believe me.”

“Dean wouldn’t… save me. He d-doesn’t care ‘bout me.”


	10. Chapter 10

Castiel’s statement hit Dean like a sucker punch but he just clenched his teeth and gradually helped him walk. The angel blinked against the light when they left the barn and tried his hardest to move forward even though he didn’t see the point. It felt like forever until they had finally reached the line of bushes about a hundred yards from the barn, the closest thing to a hiding spot anywhere close by. Dean gently lowered Cas to the ground.

“Stay here,” he said even though he knew it was unnecessary, it wasn’t like Cas could get up on his own anyway. “I’ll be right back.” Dean turned to hurry back to his car to bring Cas to safety but Castiel’s words stopped him.

“Knew ‘t wasn’t you… You wouldn’t come t‘ save me. Gave me hope ‘n now… ‘n you’re you’re jus’ gonna leave me here to die,” Cas slurred.

“I’m not leaving you to die, I’m saving you. And I’m… I’m sorry, okay? I am so sorry, Cas.” Knowing this was a decision he had to make soon, one that couldn’t be delayed much longer, Dean kneeled down in front of Cas, lay his fingers under Cas’s chin and tilted his head up. “It’s me, I swear.” He leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to Castiel’s temple.

When he pulled away, the angel’s eyes were wide, staring up at him slightly unfocused.

“I swear I’m real,” Dean repeated quietly, “and I’ll be back in no time. Promise.”

Cas gaped after him, trying to wrap his mind around the situation. It couldn’t be Dean, he despised him, had told him he should fuck off and punched him and Castiel was sure the hunter would never forgive him for what he had done. The shifters must have somehow figured out who he was, must have done this to get him to break. And he was almost there, one final push and Cas would shatter into pieces. He knew if ‘Dean’ would come back it would be to hurt him again, far more than he already had.

Once again he asked himself what he had done to deserve this punishment but the answer was obvious. This was what he got for rebelling, for leaving everything behind that he had stood for for millions of years. Whoever was punishing him couldn’t have found any better way.

He barely registered the sound of a motor coming closer minutes later – or had it been hours? – and only cringed weakly when a car door slammed shut only a couple of yards away. If only the shapeshifters had come back to finally end his misery.

When strong hands gripped his shoulders as gently as possible Cas whimpered softly and squeezed his eyes shut.

“I’m sorry, Cas, I gotta get you into the car, you understand? I’m not going to hurt you. Never again.” The words were mumbled soothingly but Cas just wanted to throw up. How could they possibly know about what had happened between him and Dean?

He felt himself being dragged towards the car and carefully placed on the passenger seat, then ‘Dean’ buckled him up and closed the door. “Why?” was all he managed to say when the shifter sat down behind the wheel and started the car again. He didn’t get an answer. Weakly, Castiel opened his eyes and recognised the interior of the Impala. That was strange. He turned his head to look at Dean, seeing him gripping the steering wheel so hard that his knuckles went white and clenching his teeth.

Eventually Cas realised he wouldn’t get an answer and he gave in to the exhaustion, leaning his head back and closing his eyes again.

“Hey, stay with me, please…” The words barely registered in Cas’s mind but suddenly there was a hand covering his own, warm, strong, with calloused fingers, and Cas sighed at the familiar feeling. He decided to pretend it was actually Dean, if only to have something nice right before he died. A soft smile crossed his face for a fleeting moment, then he passed out.

***

It was dark when Castiel opened his eyes again, the kind of darkness that was somehow comforting, the four-in-the-morning-and-the-world-is-asleep-darkness that enveloped everything and made it hazy and soft. And he felt cozy, like being wrapped up in a blanket made of warmth and… Dean’s scent? He tried to sit up but his aching body protested and he gave a quiet, whining noise.

“Hey, shh, stay there,” a familiar voice mumbled and a hand gently pushed him back onto the mattress.

Cas turned his head and squinted at the figure next to him. It was too dark to see more than a silhouette but he immediately recognised him anyway. “Dean…” Then the memories came flooding back and he cringed away.

“Hey buddy, it’s okay. It’s me. I swear.” Dean got up and lit a single candle and Cas was thankful that he hadn’t just switched on the light. “I’m gonna prove it to you, okay? See?” Grabbing a knife from the night stand, Dean held it up for Castiel to see, then he touched the blade. “The silver doesn’t harm me. I’m not a shifter, Cas, it’s me.” He sat back down on the chair right next to the bed Cas lay in.

Cas just stared at him, not sure what to think. “Why would you come for me?” he finally rasped, his eyes never leaving Dean’s.

Dean took a shaky breath and shifted his gaze to his hands, unable to meet Cas’s eyes any longer. “Because… because you’re my best friend and I fucked up and I… dammit, I was so worried about you when you didn’t show up and I know you and even though I treated you like shit I knew you wouldn’t just vanish and I knew something was up and I had to… you have to know how incredibly sorry I am. Not that that’s gonna make anything okay, I know that, I just – I just had to tell you how I feel and I’m not quite sure what the fuck is wrong with me, other than being completely messed up of course, but I couldn’t bear the thought that something had happened to you so I went to find you and God, I was so fucking scared when I found you in that barn,” Dean rambled before he lost courage. “I’m so sorry about everything I did to you,” he whispered, peeking over at Cas for a second.

The angel looked completely dazed and just gazed at Dean for a solid minute before finally murmuring, “But… you hate me. I thought you never wanted to see me again after…”

Dean concentrated on his hands again, clenched to fists in his lap. He was ashamed, so god damn ashamed of everything he had done, and still he couldn’t make himself utter the words that were caught in his throat because that would mean saying them out loud, admitting things he still wasn’t sure he was ready to admit, because everything would be real then. Instead he hung his head and tried to breathe.

“…Dean?” Cas’s voice was timid when he broke the silence that had lasted for several minutes.

Biting his lip, Dean looked up but still didn’t quite meet Castiel’s eyes. “I don’t hate you, Cas. I never did an’ I never will. And I know I should’ve reacted differently when you came back but I just couldn’t… something happened while you were in purgatory and I really wasn’t ready to deal with it. I know that’s no excuse for how I treated you and I’d understand if you hate me now.”

“You’re an idiot.”

Dean lifted his head and stared at Cas with a mixture of surprise and befuddlement as the angel managed to sit up and lean against the headboard. “Excuse me?” He couldn’t recall Cas ever calling him idiot.

“You heard me. Now tell me what happened while I was gone and you were here.” Cas was gripping the blanket and willed himself to stay calm even though he wasn’t sure he wanted to hear what Dean had to say but he knew he had to hear everything before he could put all of this behind himself and maybe move on. Maybe Dean had found something more in Benny than a comrade, and maybe Benny had crossed some lines after a while and left Dean alone and seeking comfort in whoever else was there. He just wanted a reason.

Dean blinked at him a few times, then averted his gaze once more. “I thought I had failed you and left you behind and I could barely live with that,” he said quietly, “but eventually I also realised what it meant for me to never see you again. I thought I’d lost you and it was killing me, Cas. I couldn’t stand the idea of losing you forever.” The last words were barely more than a whisper but Castiel heard them anyway. “And then suddenly you just show up and tell me you stayed behind on purpose and I was… I was so fucking mad but also so relieved that you were okay and I couldn’t think straight and –” Dean stopped and started laughing, bitterly at first but soon he was shaking his head incredulously, chuckling to himself. “You’re right, I’m a fucking idiot.”

Cas wasn’t following and just looked at Dean in confusion, tilting his head when Dean finally looked at him again.

“Dammit, I didn’t know how to deal with the fact that I had finally at some point realised that I… that I like you,” he said.

“I thought we had established that the first time you called me your friend,” Cas mumbled blankly, shoulders slumping.

“No. I mean yes. But that’s not what I – What I wanted to say… Fuck, Cas, why the hell do you think I kissed you?!”

Hesitating for a moment, Cas thought about the question for the thousandth time. “Because you were drunk, aroused and alone and I was there?” he offered. “You made it pretty clear that you wouldn’t do anything like that when you were sober.”

Dean clenched his teeth. “I know, I’m sorry. So sorry. And I really hope you can forgive me eventually… But that’s not the point right now, I mean it kinda is, but, uh…” Rambling, Dean, stop rambling, he told himself and took a deep breath. “I like you, Cas, more than a friend. Way more. But I was so scared to admit that to anyone, even to myself. That’s why I was such an asshole. I’ve never been good with feelings and this time I really screwed up royally. But I, um, I kissed you because I wanted you… Still want you, I mean. And if you ever decided to forgive me I’d really like to do that again, sober. Kissing you, I mean. Not the whole hurting you thing, of course. I’ll never do that again. I know I don’t deserve you, I’ll never be good enough for you, especially not after this, but… God, I’d just really like to kiss you again.” He fidgeted around on his chair and looked at Cas insecurely, doubt and fear in his eyes. Frankly he was terrified of Cas’s reaction.

Castiel just gaped at him for a few seconds, then he closed his mouth and clenched his jaw, still staring at Dean with disbelief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh... Hello again, I am so so so sorry that I neglected this story for so long!!! God, I have such a bad conscience, but I didn't forget about it! There's just been so much going on in my life and then I had so many other fic ideas and just somehow never got around to continuing this story again and now I finally updated it!! I hope you're not too mad and that you like the new chapter and I also edited some of the other ones a bit so, uh, yeah, just... I hope you will still read it and like it and I'll stop rambling now


	11. Chapter 11

When the silence stretched on for a minute, then two, Dean couldn’t take Cas staring at him quietly any longer.

“I, uh… I guess I’ll just leave, then,” he mumbled and got up. “You stay as long as you need to, the room’s booked for the next six days. Didn’t know how long it’d take you to get better…” Dean buried his hands in the pockets of his jeans and turned away, murmuring, “Bye, Cas. And again, I’m truly sorry.”

His hand was on the door handle when Castiel’s voice held him back. “Dean.”

“Hm?” Dean didn’t turn around to look at Cas, he just stopped, practically frozen in place.

“So… what you were trying to tell me is that you have feelings for me? As in… romantic feelings?” Cas asked quietly, his voice still rough.

Dean gave a bitter laugh and hung his head. “Stupid, isn’t it? And even more stupid how I dealt with it. Or rather didn’t deal with it. Sorry for being such a fuck up. I’m gonna go now…”

Scooting back on the bed, Cas leaned against the headboard more comfortably, his eyes fixed on Dean’s back. “Dean, wait,” he said when Dean opened the door. They needed to talk about this and Cas was sure that if he didn’t stop Dean now he might never see him again. “How could you have developed feelings for me?” he asked quietly. “You’re just –”

“I’m just human and you’re an angel, I get it. Don’t you think I’ve been thinkin’ about that for the past couple months?” Finally he turned around, only to see Cas watching him with a raised brow.

“I was going to say you’re just into women and have never shown interest in men,” Castiel finished.

Dean’s face flushed red. “Oh… Sorry. I don’t know, it just… it just happened, somehow, y’know. Plus, I mean technically you’re not really a guy, right?” He rubbed the back of his neck and bit his lip. Why would Cas even care about that? He couldn’t possibly…

“No, I’m not male. Close the door and come back here, please.”

Only hesitating for a moment, Dean complied and stopped near the bed. This time he didn’t sit, just looked down at Castiel insecurely, misery and doubt written across his face.

Cas gave a soft smile, so briefly that Dean wasn’t even sure it had been there. “Would you do something for me?”

“Anything.” Dean was scared what Cas might want him to do, if he wanted Dean to leave him alone forever, but he meant it. No matter what the angel wanted, Dean would do it.

“There’s a book in the bunker about angels, I’m positive there has to be a potion to help me heal. It’s dark red with golden pages and red ink. Would you get that for me?”

“Yeah, sure, of course.” Dean nodded frantically and was about to head out when something clicked in his mind. “Why can’t you heal yourself? What did that shifter do to you?”

“It was two of them, and it wasn’t what they did,” Cas mumbled and looked away. “Get the book, please.”

Another nod, a quick “I’ll be back ASAP,” then Dean was gone.

With a sigh, Cas slid down on the bed and closed his eyes as he snuggled into the pillow. Maybe it would be okay after all. Dean liked him, had feelings for him. Perhaps they could figure this out.

***

He had hoped to be able to sneak into the bunker, find the book and leave without Sam noticing but of course Dean didn’t have any luck.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Sam growled, leaning against the wall near the library’s door, causing Dean to spin around. “Thought you could avoid me, huh? Not this time. You’ll stay here until we talked about what the hell’s going on with you.”

“Listen, Sammy, I don’t have ti-”

Sam strode over to his brother and glared down at him. “No, you listen, Dean. You are going to tell me what the fuck all of this is about, you got that?”

Dean searched his little brother’s face for the fury he had expected, the rage, but all he saw was worry and a small hint of anger. Their fight hadn’t left any physical scars as far as he could tell, either, and he sighed in relief. “I’m so sorry, Sam,” he mumbled.

“I don’t want your lame excuses, I want answers.” Sam crossed his arms and looked at Dean expectantly.

Taking a deep breath to gather courage, Dean tried not to think about how Sam might react to his confession. “Cas came back a couple months ago and showed up just like that, no clue how he got out of purgatory, an’ I didn’t know how to deal with that,” he explained.

“That’s not why you acted like a complete asshole and were drunk pretty much the entire time, is it?” Sam stared at him sceptically. “What’re you not telling me?”

“He told me he stayed behind on purpose. And God, Sam, I was so pissed. But also so relieved that he was okay and back and I was just so overwhelmed and couldn’t handle all of it so I freaked out…”

“And?”

Dean met Sam’s eyes. “And what?”

“There’s something else, isn’t there? That’s not the only reason why you turned to alcohol that much and behaved like a maniac.”

Biting his lip, Dean buried his fists in his pockets and stared at the ground. “I kissed Cas that night. When he got back. I was so drunk and –”

“Wait, you what?!”

Great. Here we go, Dean thought, now he’s gonna kick me out forever. He swallowed and looked defiantly up at his brother. “I kissed him. That night. And after that a lot more times. Sure, I was drunk, I treated him like shit and he’s way too good for me anyway, but dammit, I fell for him along the way, okay? Now if you’ll excuse me, I got some stuff to do.”

Before he could go back to searching the book though, Sam grabbed his arm and stopped him. “Why are you already trying to shut me out again, Dean?”

“What? ‘s not like you’d want me here anyway.” The older Winchester tried to shrug Sam’s hand off.

“The hell are you talking about? Do you really think I’d look down on you or even hate you for liking Cas? Or liking guys or whatever? Hell, Dean, I don’t give a fuck who you’re with as long as you’re happy.” He pulled on Dean’s arm to make him look at him, then shook his head. “You can be so stupid, you know that?”

For a moment Dean gaped at Sam. “You don’t care?”

“Why would I? It’s your life. Just… next time, talk to me, or I might actually kick you out. Seriously. You gotta fix this, though. Does Cas know…?”

Dean shrugged sheepishly. “Yeah, kinda, I, uh, told him before I came here.”

“Then what’re you doing here? What’d he say?”

“Not much. He’s hurt, I gotta get him some spell, that’s all he asked me to do.”

Letting go of Dean’s arm, Sam fixed him with a stern look. “You better sort this out and get back afterwards.”

***

It took Dean almost four days to get back to Cas and collect all the ingredients for the potion the angel had found in the old book. When he had everything he returned to the motel where the angel still lay in bed, prepared the potion and handed it to him. Cas barely said a word the entire time and dismissed Dean as soon as he had drunk the liquid, saying he needed some rest and quiet. He would call if he needed anything else.

Dean took his car and went out to search for the shapeshifters. As expected, they had abandoned the old barn and seemed to have moved on, but Dean wouldn’t give up that easily. Two more days and he was on their scent again, another one and he found their hide out two states over. The local police would shake their heads a few weeks later at the state of the crime scene, the sheer brutality and ruthlessness with which the two men had been murdered slowly and painfully. The news would talk about a possible serial killer who liked to torture his victims. Dean knew better.

When he returned to the motel exhausted and grim he was expecting Cas to continue the silent treatment but when Dean opened the door Cas was nowhere to be seen. “Cas?” He stepped inside and was about to close the door when something tackled him from the side and pinned him against the wall. He almost punched it in the face before he realised who it was. “Dammit, Cas, what’re you doing?!”

“I’m going to make you feel the way you made me feel,” the angel growled and pushed Dean against the wall again, grabbing his wrists and pinning them to the faded wallpaper above his head with one hand.

Shit. Dean closed his eyes for a moment, trying to brace himself for what might come, knowing full well he deserved whatever Cas was planning.

Only he didn’t.

His eyes fluttered open when he felt familiar lips press softly against his own and his heart stopped beating for a few seconds before picking up again twice as fast. The kiss was sweet and innocent, nothing like the way Dean had kissed Cas all those drunken nights, and the hunter closed his eyes again and savoured the feeling. When Castiel drew back and looked at him, Dean barely choked back a sob. He didn’t deserve this, didn’t deserve the kiss or the way Cas looked at him or the smile he gave him.

“Why?” he croaked out, leaning back against the wall for support.

Cas cupped Dean’s cheek. “Because no matter what you do I will forgive you. You made mistakes, so did I. I forgive you, and I will always care about you.”

Clenching his jaw, Dean grabbed Cas and pulled him close to hug him tightly. He buried his face in Cas’s shoulder as he felt arms wrapping around his back. They stood in silence for what felt like an eternity, holding on to each other like castaways.

Eventually Cas tried to pull away but Dean wouldn’t let him. “I’m so sorry,” the hunter whispered into Cas’s coat.

“Stop, please. I think we are even.” He brushed a hand over the short hair at the back of Dean’s head. “Would you let go of me now? I would like to kiss you again and it’s not working like this.”

Hesitantly Dean let go, looking like he was about to protest again but Castiel didn’t give him a chance to. He pulled him into a slow, deep kiss that would leave Dean breathless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, I guess this story is finished now. I hope you enjoyed reading it and like the ending :)


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